What If ?
by McPants
Summary: Life seems to be going as good as is possible for dark and twisty Meredith Grey, resident at SGH. She's married to a man who loves her and is pursuing her career. Suddenly, fate and love tease her as a man from her past shows up at the hospital.
1. Chapter I

Meredith sighed, sitting alone in an empty gallery and observing the quiet, unused equipment in OR 1. With nobody around, she twisted her wedding ring, took it off, and stared at it, wondering how her life could have been different if she had turned down her husband.

She was happy. Or, at least she tried to be. Finn was a good guy, really, and she knew that. He loved her, but she just didn't love him in the same way. Her heart still belonged to another man.

And in that moment of thoughtfulness, her pager went off. 911.

"DAMNIT." 

Meredith picked herself up and ran out of the room.

XXX

"What do we have?" she questioned her intern, Jenny. Jenny frantically looked around, confused. It was her first year of internship at Seattle Grace Hospital, and she still hadn't a clue what she was doing.

"Um.. which one?" 

"Use your head, Dr. Young. Just pick one! These trauma patients don't have enough time for you to be standing around catching flies!" Even though it wasn't really funny, Grey smiled. She was sounding more and more like the Nazi every day. 

"Okay. HIM," and Jenny pointed at an incoming patient, grabbing a chart from the nearest nurse. Before Jenny could open her mouth, though, Meredith's eyes welled with tears, and she turned and ran away. The whole hospital seemed to stop and turn, to watch the resident run away crying.

XXX

**A/N **: So here it is, the first chapter of my first EVER Grey's fict. It's not great, it's not terrible. Short chapters in all the chapters. Since I've got two ficts and Here Without You probably comes first, I'll do my best to update whenever I can.

Reviews are FABULOUSS.


	2. Chapter II

The staff halted, a rare occurrence during a 911, to watch the resident run, tears welling in her eyes. Meredith had a history of strange emotional mood swings, but no sane surgeon would run away from this 911 case.

Olivia looked around, and upon viewing the patient, knew immediately what was wrong. Olivia really didn't have any relationship with Meredith, and had even cheated on one of her best friends, but she still knew the problem without thinking.

XXX

Meredith sighed, and her small figure rattled with her shaking breath. The supply closet seemed familiar, like it was the one constant in the hospital.

The other four interns Meredith was with during her internship at Seattle Grace had transferred for their residency. Alex had gone to New York. Izzie, Christina and George all went to Boston. Meredith was the only one who had stayed put--Finn's whole life was in Seattle, and she didn't want to disrupt that.

What she had seen... she couldn't even believe it. Destiny must have been playing some joke on her… some very cruel joke. She still loved him... she still loved him. 

Silently, Grey wiped her eyes, aware it would smudge her mascara, and took one last gasping breath before standing up and walking out the door.

As she opened the door, she muttered just one word.

"Derek."

XXX

**A/N **: More angst. Reviews are fabb. Love the short chapters !


	3. Chapter III

Regaining her composure, Meredith flagged down her group of interns.

"What are you doing? There are things to be done in this hospital! Don't just stand around!" But even with as much faux energy as she had, her interns looked around, knowing immediately that something was wrong.

_Damn this smudged mascara,_ Meredith silently thought to herself.

The most sensitive of her interns, Charlie, spoke up first. "Dr. Grey, something's wrong. You can talk to us, you know."

"Nothing's wrong, Charlie. Get back to work," but Grey just couldn't pull off the act. "Jenny, the patient you picked this morning. Could you get me his chart? Now."

Even though this seemed like a strange request, Jenny obliged, running down the hall with as much vigor as was possible for an intern who had been on call for 30 hours. 

XXX

Meanwhile, Addison took shallow breath after shallow breath, her chest heaving. _Why am I reacting this way?_ she thought. She had divorced Derek 5 years ago, so why was his appearance in this hospital so personal to her?

Outside the on-call room, she heard footsteps.

"Shit. I look like a mess."

The door opened, and Meredith's face, swollen red eyes and all, peeped through the door.

"Oh. Dr. Montgomery. Are you.. okay?"

Addison made eye-contact, and they exchanged a knowing glance. Even after the drama which had occurred between them during Meredith's internship, they had maintained a friendship. Friendly acquaintances, that was all.

"Dr. Grey, you know as well as I do what's wrong. How is he doing?"

Meredith stopped dead in her tracks. She hadn't seen the chart, but from what she had seen in the morning, it wasn't going to be pretty.

"I'm sorry, Addison. I just don't know."

XXX

**A/N **: Writing the scene in the closet was great… two women torn over the same man. Good stuff. That's gooey drama right there. Enjoyy.


	4. Chapter IV

"Derek Shepherd, 38, suffering trauma. The extent of the damage and the cause of the accident is currently unclear."

Meredith looked away.

"Leah," she addressed one of her interns, "order a CT for Dr. Shepherd, and... page Dr. Montgomery, and the chief. Tell them it's on my orders." 

Although this seemed strange to Leah, she followed Meredith's directions, and wheeled Derek's away to get a CT.

Meanwhile, Meredith stared, temporarily paralyzed, to watch, and again, her eyes filled with tears. This wasn't good.

"Dr. Grey, you paged?" The chief looked at her with a combination of confusion and sympathy. Before Meredith could say anything, however, he seemed to understand.

"Meredith, as a fellow doctor and your boss, I have to question your random pages. But, as a friend... I have to ask you: do you need some time off? I know seeing Derek like this is... hard for you. It's hard for me, too... he's been a good friend of mine for a long time. I understand, and we could get another resident to fill in for you."

Meredith just nodded, and silently left the room.

XXX

"Finn? Are you busy at work or could you come get me?" Meredith sniffed, calling Finn.

"Sure, honey. Anything for you. Are you okay?"

Finn was a good guy, he really was. He tried, and he knew Meredith so well he could read her mood just by a simple hello on the telephone. Meredith couldn't figure out why she was so unhappy with him. Finn was good, sweet, and he really did love her. She just didn't love him back.

"Yeah. I'm fine... just having a bad day at work." And it was true. Meredith couldn't remember a time at the hospital that was as downright terrible as this. Derek... no.

"Okay. Want to talk when I pick you up? I'm always here to listen."

"It's okay, really, Finn. Thanks though," and she hung up.

XXX

**A/N **: The drama continues ! Not much to say, except : REVIEWW.


	5. Chapter V

"Fuck," swore Meredith almost inaudibly. The film showing Derek's CT slipped from her fingers and fell to the ground. _I need the chief. I need a consult._

With that Meredith sprinted down the hallway and slipped into the chief's office, panting.

XXX

Richard Webber watched as the daughter of the woman he had a fling with crumbled and fell to the ground. Her chest was heaving, and as her limp body lay on the floor, the envelope she was bearing slipped out of her hand.

Curiosity took over the chief as he reached for the envelope labeled 'Shepherd, Derek.'

When Meredith regained control of her body--shocked by Derek's sudden appearance at the hospital, the results of his CT, and the way her life had turned out-- she looked up to see a single tear drip down the chief's face. He wiped it away, obviously embarrassed that Meredith had seen.

_I have an edge. I have to keep my edge._ Richard Webber thought silently to himself.

"Dr. Grey, I couldn't help but see the results for Dr. Shepherd's CT. How would you like to proceed?"

"I... need a consult. Derek is the best neurosurgeon in the country. Irony sucks." Meredith spat. Irony really did suck. The man she had loved for 8 years was unconscious, and his life was on the line. Nobody came close to Derek's abilities. "A really good consult. The best there is."

Seeing the pain in Meredith's eyes stripped away Dr. Webber's edge. He had seen the same look in Ellis' eyes, as he walked away from her. He had a wife, and a commitment. In hindsight, he regretted his decision. And in that single moment of weakness, Richard Webber embraced Meredith's small frame, and held her deeply. Nobody deserved to feel the hurt he felt, and the more he thought about it, the more similar her situation became to his.

_Stuck in an unhappy marriage, longing for another. One who is dying._ the chief thought, as he released his surgical resident.

"I'll find you a consult, Dr. Grey. Have an intern prep Dr. Shepherd for surgery immediately," said Richard as he waved Meredith away.

XXX

**A/N **: I love writing scenes with the chief. Everyone overlooks him but he's a pretty great character :D Enjoyy & review !


	6. Chapter VI

Leah stared down at her patient. _Poor guy_, she thought. He was hot. Really, really hot. As was a famous intern saying for any hot guy--started by their resident herself!--he was McDreamy. Little did Leah realize exactly how correct she was.

There was something fishy about him, and Dr. Grey. Something she and the other interns didn't know... she just couldn't put her finger on what it was. Related? No. He seemed a bit too old to have been a fellow intern with Meredith... she just didn't know. Whatever it was, this guy had a truly shitty situation.

Leah had heard that talking to patients helped, even when they were in a coma. She'd never tried, but it was worth a shot. After all, he was _McDreamy_.

"Hi Derek... I'm Leah. I'm an intern. I bet you know what that is. I'm just going to get you ready for surgery, okay?" She knew he wouldn't respond, but it felt a little awkward just talking at the poor guy.

As Leah reached for her stethoscope, Dr. Shepherd began convulsing. Remembering the consults warning--_if he starts to seize or convulse uncontrollably, book an emergency OR IMMEDIATELY and page me... it could mean the tumor is pushing on his spine even more, which could cause paralysis._.

"SHIT. SOMEBODY PAGE DR. MOORE, STAT!"

Derek wouldn't die on her watch, that was for certain.

XXX

"10 blade." The scrub nurse passed over a 10 blade.

"Okay, Dr. Jenkins. Now make an incision across our patient's lower back. Lets get up close and personal with Dr. Shepherd's tumor," coaxed Dr. Moore's voice. Her eyes locked on Leah's trembling hand, but didn't ask her to stop, or take over. One wrong wiggle could kill the patient, and Dr. Moore had full confidence in her. That was scary.

Finally getting over the tremble, Dr. Jenkins lowered the 10 blade and cut into Derek's flesh.

XXX

**A/N **: I don't know much about surgical lingo, so the OR scenes aren't going to be 100. I'll try. If I mess up anything, let me know !


	7. Chapter VII

The OR quieted down once the incision was made. Everyone stared, wondering how the hell what happened had happened. The tumor was huge. Not big, not the size it had appeared on the MRI. Huge. Almost-inoperable, under 10 chance of living huge.

Dr. Moore was a good neurosurgeon. Second best. Not THE best, but pretty damn close. And even she had never seen a tumor which could metasize so fast. Derek had a CT and stuff this morning. It couldn't grow that quickly.

"Jenkins, you're freezing up. The best neurosurgeon in the country is on the table, with a tumour which might kill him whether or not we operate. I refuse to be the second-best neurosurgeon who kills the best neurosurgeon. I hate being "second rate", but if we let him die, it won't matter. Move!"

Refusing to allow an INTERN to do such a surgery, Dr. Moore took control again. With her huge magnifying glasses. she looked down looking for where to start cutting and clipping.

_Snip. Snip. Snip._ went the surgical scissors, snapping off little bits of tumor.

XXX

"Damnit why can't I relax? We're not even married and yet I'm freaking about him. Addison should be me right now, but she's not. She's working... and I'm crying."

Meredith was again in the supply closet, wondering why the hell she was so dark and twisty. And then it hit her (A/N : as if it hadn't already hit her already ! lmaoo). In that moment, when Derek walked away, and she was stoned on morphine. In that very moment, she made the worst decision of her life. She had her own experiences with "pick me, choose me, love me", yet she still chose wrong.

"Oh damnit, damnit, damnit."

XXX

**A/N **: This chapter was written literally months after the others, so I'm trying to remember everyone's fake names again. Rofl. Funn ! Revieww & I'll try to write Chapter 8 asap.


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